Cipher Pol 9
by The Lime in the Coconut
Summary: We, the undersigned, have spent a great deal of time and resources in attempting to piece together the only tale that may truthfully document the lives of the undercover assassins that call themselves Cp9. Fun for the whole family!


**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Piece, or any characters, items, or events related to it in any way, shape, or form. 

**Chapter One: **Ever so Funny

Rob Lucci isn't exactly what you'd call a social butterfly.

At first glance, he appears to a raven-haired, muscular, somewhat attractive and exotic shipwright who uses ventriloquism to communicate through his pigeon Hattori.

At second glance, he could be described as an unrepentant and cold-blooded mercenary who joined the government just so he could legally kill innocents.

At third glance, he transforms into a hulking violent psychopathic cat-creature.

And you'd be probably dead before he'd let you get a fourth glance at him.

It wasn't really as if Lucci has had a choice in the matter. From a young age, he had been thrown head-first into a harsh and unforgiving sect of the World Government's Ninth Cipher Pol. Through impossibly difficult training the boy had been taught the basics of Rokushiki. Moreover, the lad had been force-fed the Neko-Neko Fruit, increasing his strength tenfold and shattering his feeble grip on reality. As a result, the child became a fiendish murderer, a heartless monster feared throughout all of Cipher Pol.

But Lucci isn't ALL bad--oh, no. As any middle-aged man, the assassin does have certain hobbies, weekly rituals that he obeys out of habit. One such ritual is what the leopard-man refers to as The Reading of the Sunday Funnies. And on one dreary Sunday afternoon our story begins.

* * *

Lucci was visiting his favorite coffee shop, the _Daily Grind_, where he chanced to come across a newly-printed edition of the _Water Seven Gazette_. A caricature of Mayor Iceburg and his fellow undercover operative Califa caught his eye. The drawing showcased Califa, sporting exaggerated bosoms and an enormous forehead, asking Iceburg, drawn his overly sunken eyes and ridiculous teeth, if he was ready to attend a number of meetings with prestigious newscasters and various members of the press. Iceburg's response is a succinct "I don't wanna!". While this made Lucci (or rather Hattori) chuckle warmly, the next panel really got his goat--Califa agreed to the Mayor's ridiculous demand, and began to tear up the papers!

My word--Lucci laughed harder than he'd ever laughed in his life (which admittedly isn't that hard). He turned to the barkeep, operative Blueno. "This is FUNNY," chortled Lucchi.

Blueno, shocked to see Lucci breaking his cover and discarding Hattori, sensed something was amiss and decided to play it safe. "Ever so funny," he agreed.

"Isn't it, though?" grinned Lucci dreamily. "Here, I have GOT to show Spandam." With that, the mankiller bounded out of the part, running through the cobblestone streets of Water Seven. Taking flight, it wasn't long before he ran smack dab into Kaku.

* * *

The square-nosed operative raised an eyebrow. "Lucci, what're you doing?"

"A joke," said Lucci. "Isn't it obvious? What're YOU doing?"

"Checking out a ship," replied Kaku defensively. "What you're SUPPOSED TO BE DOING."

"YOU'RE just jealous you didn't find a great funny joke like I did," growled Lucci, and he was gone.

"Ever so funny," muttered Kaku, rolling his eyes. "EVER so funny."

* * *

Still running, Lucci next came across Califa, running errands for Iceburg. "HERE!" he hollered triumphantly, thrusting the comic into Califa's face. "Isn't this just the greatest thing since sliced bread?"

Califa looked it over--her silence was deafening, thought Lucci.

"That's sexual harassment," she finally decided.

Holding back tears, Lucci shrugged it off and ran straight past the secretary operative, muttering how women have NO taste. That's why Lucci preferred Jyabura. Yowza.

* * *

Minutes later, the mercenary burst into Spandam's office. "Would you LOOK at this?" he blurted, shoving the comic into the Director's face.

"What--what?" sputtered Spandam, shoving Lucci away. "Where's Hattori? What're you doing here?"

"Yoiyoiyoiyoi!" screeched Kumadori, barging in through a window. "Please, forgive Lucci for his wrongs! I'll commit seppuku in his stead!"

And he did.

Lucci stared for a second before turning back to Spandam. "It was nothing, really," he said, adjusting his hat and gruffly dropping his voice several octaves. "Just a funny...joke I read."

"Ever so funny," concluded Spandam. They chuckled warmly as a black circle slowly engulfed them.


End file.
